Posted in Uncategorized

Self-Sabotage & Self-Doubt

I have been working hard all month to proofread my novel. Until these past few days that is. I know I should open that document and just do a paragraph. Any little bit is progress. But there always seems to be a point in every project where things start to feel a bit too real for me. I realized that I really could have this book proofread in the next 9 months, that it really will only take a couple more months. For some reason that terrifies me! I want to have a second draft. Even with a second draft, there’ll be so much more work to do. Maybe what scares me so much is that I don’t know very much about what to do after besides have a friend/s proofread…

The unknown can be scary at times. I am totally fine walking around cities by myself without a plan, as long as I know I can find my car again. But when it comes to life, the boundaries are less obvious and the safe zone of the “car” is harder to figure out how to get back to. Or maybe it’s that life’s map is much harder to read than a city map. Or maybe it is that I’m less sure where I want to go in life. I can wander around a city without a destination in mind, but life there really should be some goals along the way, even if I’m not completely sure where I want to be in the end.

I think we all self-sabotage in some ways. We work towards a goal for so long (in my case, I’ve been working on this book for 5 years), we build it into something so big it seems unattainable. Something that maybe started as a project becomes a dream, then scares us into becoming a project again—a project that can be set on the back burner for now, but now becomes weeks, months, years, never. Sometimes we think we dream too big, but I think that really we dream too small. Or maybe we dream big enough but are too afraid to admit it. We convince ourselves things aren’t for us when we were made for them.

Maybe I’ll never be published, but the friend I started writing this book for deserves a nice draft! I deserve to celebrate that I’ve written a book! I didn’t celebrate finishing a rough draft (I think I only told one person. I still haven’t directly told too many others that I have written a book. I occasionally post something about it on my Instagram, but that shouldn’t really count), so I need to celebrate when this draft is done… How should I celebrate?

Changing subjects, self-doubt can be related to self-sabotage, but are they the same thing? Doubting yourself opens yourself up for failure. When I started this blogpost, I was thinking that some doubts are warranted. I have an interview tomorrow with Reading Corps. I have a reading disability. I consider it only a slight disability now a days (elementary school was hard for me, but I do have a bachelor’s degree in English), but reading aloud brings back all those doubts. Of course, reading is part of my interview tomorrow. Thinking about my trouble reading makes me stumble more.

This job is something I want to do so much. I have always thought about tutoring, but I have also always doubted that I am proficient enough to help others with reading. I stumble at reading, I am terrible at spelling (I had to change the spelling of tutor and I want to be one?!), but I desperately want to help kids because I know how it feels. Maybe I’ve never doubted my intelligence, but I do still feel stupid when I have to read in front of a group.

Well, now that you know about my self-doubts, tell me your thoughts! Are self-doubts ever not self-sabotage? Do you have any recommendations for overcoming self-doubts and/or self-sabotage?

Posted in Bookish Thoughts, Music, Uncategorized

Lullaby (Be satisfied with small beginnings)

So my last project in college I wrote a paper about the use of music in The Hunger Games trilogy and composed music for the songs. It was a super fun project. I’ve been wanting to make a new project out of it and post it on YouTube. It has been such a pain. But I think I’m done with it and will be laying it out there even if it’s terrible. You have to start somewhere… One day maybe I’ll have the time, patience, and courage to perform the lullaby myself (the uploaded audio is electronic, but it sounds pretty good, much better than I do at the moment…).

I still sing this lullaby to the kids I’ve watched for the past 5 years. I hope one day when they read The Hunger Games they’ll remember me singing it to them and that moment will be even more emotional for them, because I can be heartlessly heartfelt like that… (I know they probably won’t remember me singing them lullabies since they’ve all been really young)

I guess this is a reminder to me that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly at the beginning. Debut novels are almost always hit and miss. Watching some YouTubers’ first videos is embarrassing for everyone. First learning to crochet, I thought slip stitches were single stitches (it took forever to crochet a scarf!), and we’ll not talk about how uneven it was. As long as I continue to learn from mistakes and keep trying harder, I’ll improve. I won’t reach perfection, but I can fail a bit closer to perfect each time.

So, if you’d like to watch my version of the Lullaby go to:

I’m so sorry that some of the photos ended up so blurry. I still think it was a cool idea, but I apparently don’t know how to make it come to life… One day I’ll get there. Be patient with me.

If you are interested in what I wrote about the music in the Hunger Games (the impact it has on the plot of the books and interaction with the characters, why I made the musical choices I did, etc), let me know! Or I might just not care and post it whether you want it or not!

I’m sorry, I’m tired. I’m glad I’m done with this particular project, but I also am not really satisfied with it…

Posted in Uncategorized

It’s not the thought that counts

There’s a big difference between remembering I need to write a blog post today and actually doing it. There’s a big difference between meaning to do something and actually doing it. The best of intentions mean absolutely nothing if you never act on them. Even if that action is saying that you meant to do something.

Actions do speak louder than words.

What are your actions (or inactions) saying?

Posted in Bookish Thoughts, Uncategorized

Well-behaved vs. Rebel

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I have very few but a lot of questions and thoughts. Lately I’ve been wondering what’s so wrong with well-behaved women? I know the quote “Well-behaved women seldom make history” I love it! But at the same time I feel like there might be layers of well-behaved and rebel. A lot of presidents’ wives would fall under the category well-behaved but they’ve done impressive things! Or in literature, how about a lot of the females in the Harry Potter Series. Mrs. Weasley is definitely an amazing wife and mother, and part of that is protecting her children, which we all love her for! Or Hermione does occasional rule breaking, but overall she’s pretty well-behaved (at least to those casually know her). Then there’s Tonks who is absolutely brilliant and rebellious to tradition.

I think maybe the trick about well-behaved and rebellious is looking at what they rebel against or why they follow the rules. Some governments are worth rebellion and others aren’t. Was Dumbledore a perfect headmaster? There’s no such thing! Would you rebel against him? Hermione did in a way. She cared so much for House Elf freedom she rebelled. That’s another trick to successful rebellions and rebellious characters—they have to have something they are fighting for and not just against. The Hunger Games trilogy is a great example of how things can go when the fighting for is a bit vague or not everyone is on bored. It gets a bit complicated…

Is the world so black and white that there is only well-behaved and rebel? Where does Prim Everdeen fit in if so? She follows rules but does it for a rebellion. In a world where standards are so complicated is there such a thing as well-behaved anymore? Will there be a point where rebelling becomes the standard and therefore rebelling is well-behaved? Are there some rebels we love just because they’re rebels even if they have nothing they are rebelling for?

Please let me know your thoughts! I’d love to have a real discussion.